Addicted to Love (obsessive love)

Mar 31, 2020

Have you ever encountered a person in your life who was craving alcohol or another drug of choice ? Did you  come to notice some the desperation, obsession, highs and lows. Did you notice the  financial, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual consequences for the person (or you).

For the love addict the "drug" can be as simple as a text message from the love target which can give as rush as powerful as a an injection of heroin. The reality of emptiness switches in an instant to reassurance and fantasy.  

Chronic low self esteem, excessive hunger for love and a tremendous fears of abandonment are temporarily eradicated. The text reassures, perhaps for a day, for the morning, maybe just for an hour before the doubts re surface and the ever more intense emotional hunger returns..... obsessing, waiting, waiting, waiting for the next signal, the next text or phone call from the love target. Any attention is better than nothing.

The "love target" very soon understands that he / she can have this powerful effect over the love addict...but the addicts insecurity and hunger for acceptance can leave the love target feeling smothered, overburdened, angry and often looking for an exit. As the love target begins to distance the love addict redoubles attempts to cling by becoming endlessly accommodating. The addicts individual needs, wants emotions and values are ignored while fantasies of romance are enabled by beliefs such as "love conquers all". The perfect relationship with the love target is always just over the horizon and in the mean time all kinds of bad behaviour can be excused, accepted and tolerated.

What are the consequences of late stage love addiction ?

Life becomes unmanageable. Preoccupation, drama and obsession is pervasive. Other addictions and problems begin. Overspending, medicating emotional chaos with substance abuse, over eating, under eating, insomnia, depression, anxiety, neglect of family, friends. Life plans and goals remain un-achieved or forgotten.

What does the journey out of love addiction look like ?

The journey begins with an acceptance that life is out of control and a willingness to re orientate your life and look at your beliefs and values, the software that runs your life.

Which of the following persons might you feel drawn to ? (their beliefs below)

"I am independent and happy, I am creative and connected, I am magnetic to happy and independent people. I am proud of who I am and I love who I am. I attract people who are good for me."


"I will find perfect love partner if I am willing to focus on my search and I can sacrifice whatever it takes to make it work. My partner will give me the love that I need if I love him /her enough".

The journey out of love addiction is about looking for and attending to all that your life has to offer, maintaining connections, using talents, learning, experiencing, growing.

The journey is also about practical, day to day things that we can do to reorientate our life away from obsession, fantasy and  / or a "love target".

Your counsellor can help you with strategies to

  1. Increase Self esteem
  2. Reduce excessive hunger for love
  3. Reduce fears of abandonment
  4. Re orientate your life
  5. Make healthy choices

Independent and happy is magnetic in a healthy way !!!

People in recovery from love addiction have chosen a path where joy in life grows out of from many points in our human network through living life to the full, learning, experiencing, feeling, growing.  As this happens healthy relationships are not only increasingly possible but increasingly likely.

Also Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

Martin Fraser, B.A. (Hons) Psyc. Dip Counselling.

Particular interest in enhancing resilience in my community against Depression, Anxiety, Isolation and Addictions. Member of NZ Assoc Counsellors.

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