Falling in love ?

Jul 14, 2021

If you are looking for a longer lasting, fulfilling relationship to commit to, this article could help you make some wiser choices.

When you are falling in love you are probably experiencing

  • A lot of passionate sex
  • Trust based on no more than romantic notions (not based on evidence of prior trustworthiness
  • Friends, family reporting that you are often unavailable, preoccupied.
  • A biochemical high triggering the release of dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins (blinding you to any red flags)
  • Constant texting from your love, dropping  usual pastimes and activities to be together.
  • Trying to please your new love as much as possible (premature compromising)

Some smart things to do while you are enjoying this exciting and passionate time with someone new

  • Notice red flags ! Pay attention, write a few words in your diary. You are not judging, you are just observing, paying attention and still having fun.
  • What is your new love giving attention to, or overdoing ? Work, Alcohol, Sex,  Recreational Drugs, Spending, Gambling, Social Media, Porn, Conversations with his / her ex, Gossip, Internet time, etc.
  • What are you noticing about his / her values, boundaries, generosity, finances, honesty, ability to communicate, time and respect for others.
  • What are you noticing about his /her friends. Are you getting to meet any of them. Do you like them ? How does he / she treat his / her friends ? How he / she treats animals, children.
  • This next point is a very important one. When you both share about previous relationships how does he or she answer the following question ...

" What did you do in your last relationship that really didn't help it"

If your new love can take responsibility for doing some things that didn't help previous relationship, this is a good sign.......But, if new love says all the problems were the fault of the ex ... guess who is going to get the blame if things go wrong between the two of you ?

Have fun, observe, notice your feelings, your hunches. Are you are noticing things that make you feel uncomfortable, outside your values ... or that you feel you should just put up with ?

People can be unconsciously drawn to relationships that seem to be familiar. You may have been raised in a home full of red flags. Familiar is not always good or healthy !  

Are you are willing to settle for a relationship situation with red flags or pretend they don't exist ? If so, this is a signal for you to get help with raising your confidence, self worth, self esteem.  Enjoy the romantic journey but pay attention !  Talking to a counsellor really help can help!

If you find yourself obsessing about a relationship this link might be useful for you.

Martin Fraser, B.A. (Hons) Psyc. Dip Counselling.

Particular interest in enhancing resilience in my community against Depression, Anxiety, Isolation and Addictions. Member of NZ Assoc Counsellors.

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